I hope this letter finds you in good health and that all is well with Mrs. Claus. Before I begin, I apologize if this is not the proper way to introduce myself, but I feel an overwhelming urge to be brutally honest.
I usually contact my clients through e-mail, so I hope you can appreciate the fact that your present accommodations, well within the borders of North Pole, make you a very hard to spam. I don't suppose you even have a phone line. I imagine that even snail-mail is delivered to you only once a year. Therefore, I'm taking advantage of this "dear Santa" bullshit to make sure I get to you. Here's the deal.
My company specializes on a wide range of products designed to enhance the manhood of old geezers such as yourself. Surely you are aware of the huge profits that can be made with this terrible naughty people who - unlike your nice girls and boys - actually have some money to spend. Between you and me, I can cut you a sweet bargain on a lifetime supply of blue pills - or a set of New Millennium Love Tubes, your choice - in exchange for an exclusive mass distribution contract with your company.
People say you're the best in the game. Global one-night delivery is your trademark. I need that kind of expertise - whatever the cost may be - to make at least a million sales by Christmas morning. Great, beautiful boxes of our new and improved Big Bad Boner are already lined up and ready to go. This is your golden chance to finally pay up your loans, sell the place and move to sunny Florida. I'm sure that's all Mrs. Claus wants from Santa. To spend a glamorous day at the beach and a passionate night that goes beyond the usual "sleep well, dear". God knows you owe that much to her. Jesus Christ knows this deal is all I could want for Christmas. You have to find a phone and call me as soon as possible.
Also, before you dismiss my amazing offer, I have to say that I don't actually believe you exist, not really. I'm just sending this stupid letter out to the North Pole as last ditch effort to fulfill my sales quota for the year - so please, please hear this humble cry of a desperate man. I'm close to losing my home and I have six kids to feed, the ugly bastards. For both our sakes, let us come to an agreement.
Thank you for your time,
P.S.: I also have here one remaining Power Titan Pump that I'm sure you'll enjoy. Give me a call!