Mocking the daily omen
Of migrating birds
I dance around my nest
Of endearing words


oooh i love that part most excellent!

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what we choose is never what we really need


*VampireWriters|=PoetryPlease|*Writers-Workshop|=ScribeSanctuary

Interesting detailing of a morning routine, based on a woman's point-of-view. It took me several reads to fully get the gist of what you were really trying to say, so it might help to be a little more literal with what the poem is about; it is a bit cryptic. For instance, I have absolutely no idea what stanza two is about. I'm lost there.

My favorite part of the poem is stanza five. I like "Leaves of green tea / Freshly eaten oranges." It builds a very homey feeling inside of me; it's almost nostalgic. The only thing I didn't get was how she was dressing herself in eggshells. What did you mean by this?

"Faithful typhoon curls" is also a very vivid description.

"I draw my lipstick circle" is a nice indirect way of saying she's putting on lipstick; "circle" definitely makes me imagine puckered lips.

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Clearfield Review: Prose, Poetry, Art.

I like the words you use, but I did not feel any emotion in this piece. Perhaps that was the point - to focus on details, but this seems so dry to me.

I cannot see anything of you in your words.

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Publishing: How to write a Query

My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. *Psalm 62:7

Thank you for reading and your your analysis - indeed this piece has a few layers to get through.

It is a bit cryptic because each stanza incorporates some sort of occult symbol behind which the character hides her pain. From the top we have: a Tarot spread, fortune cookies, astrology, meditation, tea leaves, the flight of birds and a summoning circle. Also, the character doesn't use these rituals to see the future, but rather to look back into the past and wonder how time went by so fast. Lost time is the recurring theme of each stanza.

For example, in the second stanza we see that the character repeatedly walks over the crumbs of her past trying to find some kind of pattern (someone she can be with forever). Also, in the fifth stanza we can see that she does everything she can to look and feel younger - but you can't really be an egg again even if you dress in its shells.

Would you believe if I told you that I thought I was actually being too literal in the last couple of lines? I guess the theme is not that self-evident.

Thanks again.

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Dangers of Poetry: play it! flip it!

I like the single stanza rhymes because they give a consistent movement to the poem. Also, you use a nice variety of rhyming words – as oppose to some tired ones. I am particularly fond of “Tao/vow” and “birds/words.” Nothing kills a piece quicker than obvious, simple rhymes, so I was glad to see I didn’t get that sense when reading and rereading your poem.

Each stanza contains a complete image, so you may want to consider if any image could benefit from more time/length devoted to it. My initial reaction is to say every image has enough space devoted to it with a quatrain each, but I wonder if using more enjambment and longer images would add poetic spice as well as improve comprehension. Really, I was just noticing a lack of enjambment. The second and fifth stanzas are particularly hard for me to decipher because of the barrage of images in such a short space. I can’t pull meaning out of everything thrown at me in those two instances.

In the second stanza, I cannot see a woman crumbling a fortune cookie and walking on the as some perplex beauty tip, nor can I find a metaphor that makes sense. I love the fifth line, but I can’t pull the word “crumbs” out of its connection with “cookie” in the event the pictures are the crumbs.

In the fifth stanza, I find myself bombarded with food unable to attach the images to the scene. I understand the woman as getting changed for the day, and the food could represent the clothing she is putting on. However, the last line of the stanza throws off my comprehension. How can someone dress themselves in leaves and oranges? Maybe the clothing itself has these images on them? Maybe the food is suppose to elicit the color, and it is the color that represents the clothes. Either way, that’s not an easy interpretation for me. On top of which, “a taste of me” throws me off completely. Perhaps it could be trying to lead towards perfume, but that doesn’t make much sense. I struggled with this stanza the most because I can’t find a logical way to attach the images to my understanding of the point in the story.

The capitalized lines works well with the lack of punctuation and I rarely found myself struggling to follow the piece; although, I did trip up on the second to last line. I feel “before” would be better suited on the last line, and would relinquish emphasis to “time,” which is a stronger end word and were I naturally pause with the grammar of the last two lines.

I love a lot of the language and images you evoke: lines 5, 7, 8, 9, and 13 especially. The more I reread the piece, the more I was impressed by the quality of the writing. The sixth line for instance, struck me deeply around my fourth reading. I was pondering the image and connotation of migrating birds in tangent to the mentality of the woman, and was thoroughly impressed with the comparison. I also love that the last image of the poem evokes a ritualistic pagan activity, reconnecting to the opening subject, while doubling as a well worded description of a common daily habit.

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~D

I like how all of these things describe parts of the day, but I think I was a little destracted. (It may just be my personal view of it) I felt it was a bit too much detail. Or that the detail consumed what was going on so I was only getting objects and not what they were connceted to or stood for. I do enjoy your concept.

I really enjoy stanza 5. It describes our daily perfumes or lotions we put on. And in the last stanza the "lipstick circle" to "summon men". I like that.

Not bad

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~ My pen bleeds ink emotion on to paper relief~

*expressed from the Mind Of A Poet*

Thank you, you are very kind.

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Dangers of Poetry: play it! flip it!

Thank you very much for reading and for your detailed critique.

I definitely agree that the fixed meter (7-5-7-5) and rhyme (abcb) is preety tight to hold one complete image per four-line-stanza. I should have gone for a larger/wider structure.

I must confess that I wrote this to train my fixed poetry writing and to see how a steady structure can sometimes serve as a substitute for punctuation. Regrettably, the perceivable content of the piece has suffered for this.

Again, thank you for your comments.

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Dangers of Poetry: play it! flip it!

It's not abcb, it's xaxa, right? I used to refer to it the same way until I read a book that said I was stupid for not using a single meta-variable to refer to all non-rhyming lines. I think I returned that book. ...

Ya know, i didn't even take a look at the syllable counts. I feel ashamed.

I don't see the form of this poem as constricting as you did, but I did wonder if any images and any lines could be enhanced/expanded if you allowed a little variance. Of course, I would never want to discourage someone against using any type of form because I love fixed poetry.

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~D