CommentsDevious Comments I never know what to say to critiques, but yet I appreciate very very much having some feedback. I am always surprised when people like my poems. I admit I did use "we" on purpose and "us" but the rest of it, to me was just pointing out the sad irony of our dependency on things like that and how it would look to an alien visitor. I am anti-technology and would like nothing better than to one day be off the grid, so I think about these things.
I am very grateful to you for taking the time to give me a fresh perspective on my poem.I didn't know the cars were brooding until now. Thank you again, Ricardo, very much.  -- "To avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, be nothing."  |
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The poem begins with a fair use of "We" as a poetic voice, which introduces a familiar tone and, later on, will result in a surprising 'us against them' conclusion. The first stanza introduces a structure that will use enjambment and strong punctuation throughout the poem. I feel that the resulting rhythm is a significative contribution to the casual humorous tone of the piece.
The initial lines imediately grab the reader's attention and present an intriguing idea: the concept of "metal boxes" is created by reducing man-made things to their most simple metalic element and cubic trait. This concept is then anthropomorphized, summing up the idea that, in their core essence, all things ressemble their creator.
Ressonating with this concept of looking into the bare essence of things, the language of this poem is effective and never wasteful; phrases are stripped to the bone. "We/feed it wedges of wood;/paper for a snack." is an example where also the punctuation is used to say all that is needed in just a few words.
Coming to the second stanza, the elemental perspective is confirmed: on the first, "We" kept fire; on the second, "we keep water". By also repeating the same structure, the meaning of both stanzas is made completely clear. The reader may think he knows where this is going, but the third stanza doesn't stay in the same line - instead, the "metal boxes" are no longer passive, they eat and spit their human masters. With an extra couple of lines, it is almost as if this stanza is the actual car - big enough to eat "us" - while the other smaller stanzas can only feed on unliving things.
Spurred by this larger and imposing metal box, the fourth stanza ends the poem by rallying the troops under an undefined banner of revolution. Why will the boxes rebel against their caretakers? Are they discontent with their menial tasks?
Because of the familiar - almost humorous - tone, I don't feel that the poem is trying to scare me, therefore I wish I could find some clue into why the boxes are brooding. Too much pedal to the metal?
Overall, I enjoy this poem very much and I think that - given the circumstances of NaPoWriMo - this piece is a wonderful example of your natural talent for poetry.