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"Démande niveau trois. 38 koku." could be translated into something like "A level 3 mission. 38 thousand dollars."
This is a setting I've been working on for a possible roleplaying game.
It's also my first conscious attempt at flash fiction for the latest *Writers-Workshop.
I would also like to say that I have most definitely read Mr. Gibson's "Neuromancer" and I fully recomend it.
edit: changed a couple of things following *SRSmith's comment
This is a setting I've been working on for a possible roleplaying game.
It's also my first conscious attempt at flash fiction for the latest *Writers-Workshop.
I would also like to say that I have most definitely read Mr. Gibson's "Neuromancer" and I fully recomend it.
edit: changed a couple of things following *SRSmith's comment
Comments6
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This is very interesting conceptually, and an enjoyable read. I do think you can get a lot more from it without having to change very much.
You have two distinct settings, one in game and one outside the game. We get some sense of what the outside looks like, but the most interesting part is what the in game scene looks like, and other than the characters that are there we have no idea what that setting is. I wouldn't spend a paragraph describing it, as that would detract from the story, but rather wrap the opening action and dialogue around the scene. We don't know exactly who's speaking the opening line, but something like 'Norman stepped around the column, his feet silent on the stone as he closed the distance to stand behind me and spoke. "Just shoot it in the face..."
Obviously make that your own - I don't know what the in game scene looks like, but I'd really like some context for the dialogue and action.
It's a little unclear as to whether other characters showed up and sniped Ruth, or if one of her own party double crossed her. It should be clear what happened there, as that colours her actions in the end.
The 'Démande niveau trois. 38 koku." line is a nice touch, but you need to give the reader the translation, as not everyone will look it up, and it would be a waste not to know what's being said. It would also help to understand the significance of that line.
In the end, is Ruth going to get Norman because he's crossed her, or does she have something to prove to him? That can be left ambiguous as long as we know whether he crossed her or not, as that obviously will define for us why she's likely going back inside.
This is another good example of Flash. It's self contained, short, meets all the requirements of a story in roughly 500 words. I think with a little editing you could trim out 50 of the current words, and then add in 150 new ones just to flesh out the scene and what's going on a little more clearly. It doesn't need to be defined like crystal, as variable interpretations are part of the upside to the format, but we should be given enough information to figure out what the most likely interpretation is as you as the writer intended it, and I honestly don't think you need to do much more to get it there.
Nice work. I really enjoy the writing style and the genre is very close to my heart.
You have two distinct settings, one in game and one outside the game. We get some sense of what the outside looks like, but the most interesting part is what the in game scene looks like, and other than the characters that are there we have no idea what that setting is. I wouldn't spend a paragraph describing it, as that would detract from the story, but rather wrap the opening action and dialogue around the scene. We don't know exactly who's speaking the opening line, but something like 'Norman stepped around the column, his feet silent on the stone as he closed the distance to stand behind me and spoke. "Just shoot it in the face..."
Obviously make that your own - I don't know what the in game scene looks like, but I'd really like some context for the dialogue and action.
It's a little unclear as to whether other characters showed up and sniped Ruth, or if one of her own party double crossed her. It should be clear what happened there, as that colours her actions in the end.
The 'Démande niveau trois. 38 koku." line is a nice touch, but you need to give the reader the translation, as not everyone will look it up, and it would be a waste not to know what's being said. It would also help to understand the significance of that line.
In the end, is Ruth going to get Norman because he's crossed her, or does she have something to prove to him? That can be left ambiguous as long as we know whether he crossed her or not, as that obviously will define for us why she's likely going back inside.
This is another good example of Flash. It's self contained, short, meets all the requirements of a story in roughly 500 words. I think with a little editing you could trim out 50 of the current words, and then add in 150 new ones just to flesh out the scene and what's going on a little more clearly. It doesn't need to be defined like crystal, as variable interpretations are part of the upside to the format, but we should be given enough information to figure out what the most likely interpretation is as you as the writer intended it, and I honestly don't think you need to do much more to get it there.
Nice work. I really enjoy the writing style and the genre is very close to my heart.